The DoorNocker™ Was Assigned by His Broker
There was a knock at the door.
I didn’t answer.
Another knock.
Louder this time.
I remained perfectly still.
This is an ancient homeowner tradition.
If we do not move, perhaps they cannot see us through the window.
Then came the voice:
“Hey! I know you’re home!”
And that was how I met The DoorNocker™.
The DoorNocker™ is not a salesman.
Please don’t misunderstand.
He’s a neighborhood specialist.
How do we know?
Because he told us.
He was assigned here by his broker.
To the neighborhood.
The entire neighborhood.
No one is exactly sure what this assignment means or what legal authority the broker possesses to divide the city into feudal territories.
But The DoorNocker™ takes his responsibilities seriously.
Rain?
He knocks.
Heat?
He knocks.
“No Soliciting” sign?
Interesting objection.
He knocks.
Ring doorbell clearly recording him?
He leans toward it.
“Hey, homeowner! Just wanted to introduce myself…”
You don’t answer.
He leaves a card.
Then a door hanger.
Then a market report.
Then a refrigerator magnet with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers schedule.
It is now 2029.
You have never spoken.
But The DoorNocker™ considers the relationship warm.
He knows the neighborhood.
He knows the market.
He knows your Zestimate.
He knows you replaced the roof in 2019.
He knows you refinanced in 2021.
He knows your daughter just went to college.
You still don’t know his last name.
One day, The DoorNocker™ encounters Dave outside a funeral home.
THE DOORNOCKER™: Hey! Sorry to catch you at a bad time. I was just in the neighborhood—
DAVE: This is a funeral home.
THE DOORNOCKER™: Right. I work the whole neighborhood.
DAVE: Nobody called you.
THE DOORNOCKER™: I’m the neighborhood specialist.
DAVE: According to whom?
THE DOORNOCKER™: I was assigned by my broker.
DAVE: Assigned to WHAT?
THE DOORNOCKER™: The neighborhood.
At this point, The KoldKaller™ walks out of the chapel.
Headset still on.
Obviously.
THE KOLDKALLER™: Don’t waste your time. I already got her down for Wednesday at ten.
THE DOORNOCKER™: You spoke to the widow?
THE KOLDKALLER™: Built rapport.
DAVE: HE COMPARED HER DEAD HUSBAND TO HIS SISTER’S DOG.
THE KOLDKALLER™: Empathy bridge.
Signal Jenius™ has been quietly observing this exchange.
He looks down at his tablet.
Then back at the two prospectors.
SIGNAL JENIUS™: Gentlemen, I believe there may be opportunities for vertical integration here.
DAVE: There are not.
A pause.
Signal Jenius™ looks thoughtful.
SIGNAL JENIUS™: If I may—
DAVE: YOU MAY NOT FORM A TEAM.
Too late.
Next week:
JENIUS™ FIELD NOTE #004
The Probate Avengers™ Assemble
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