I Saw The KoldKaller™ in the Wild

Yesterday I was eating at Five Guys when I saw him.

The KoldKaller™.

I didn’t know his name yet.

But I knew immediately what he was.

The man was sitting at a table eating burgers and fries with a beautiful woman.

And wearing one of those giant phone headsets.

Not earbuds.

The full:

“Thank you for calling regional dispatch, how may I direct your call?”

headset.

Microphone extending all the way from his ear to his mouth.

He wore it while eating.

He wore it while talking to her.

I assume he wore it while ordering.

I assume he sleeps in it.

And my brain had only one word:

GIMP.

GIMP.

Why is he still wearing it?

GIMP.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

Then today, while creating Signal Jenius™, I realized:

I had witnessed the origin story of The KoldKaller™.

A man so committed to prospecting that even dinner is simply a gap between follow-ups.

I imagine his dates go something like this:

WOMAN: I had a really nice time tonight.

THE KOLDKALLER™: Great. Love to hear that. Quick question—

WOMAN: Please don’t.

THE KOLDKALLER™: Totally understand. Is that a not now or a not ever?

And if she gets up and leaves?

No problem.

That’s not rejection.

That’s a nurture opportunity.

He’ll circle back in 90 days.

Because somewhere, someone taught The KoldKaller™:

No means not yet.

Silence means follow up.

Anger means objection.

A restraining order means the lead is still warm.

And if someone tells him the timing isn’t right because there’s been a death in the family?

He understands.

He empathizes.

His sister’s dog died once.

LONG PAUSE.

“…or not. But would Tuesday at 4:00 or Wednesday at 10:00 be better for a quick follow-up?”

Signal Jenius™ has reviewed this approach.

His official assessment:

“The empathy bridge needs refinement, but the alternative-choice close is structurally sound.”

I fear these two are going to become friends.

😂